if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I'm passing your future prison.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
