Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
