I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
