my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
