My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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