do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Randomize
