got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
