you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
