Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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