I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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