I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
This is classic penis vs brain.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
