Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
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