3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Randomize
