apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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