I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
