I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
meet me or not, i'm out of control
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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