You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
