I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
