What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
