our cab driver is having phone sex.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Randomize
