I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
