you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
