ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
