Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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