I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
