I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
