separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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