3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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