I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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