Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
