Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
ugly people sure do ruin things
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
