I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
When are your genitals available?
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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