ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
