Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
