"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
