Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
