and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Randomize
