Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
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