I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
