Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
PANTIES FOUND
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