Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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