i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
