woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
