Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
