We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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