I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
