From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
You left your phone here
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