I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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