dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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