So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
