my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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